Ndeye is 30 and leads a team of five. Yet every time a high-stakes project comes up, her own manager hands it to a « more experienced » colleague instead. Officially, it’s to « spare her the pressure. » In reality, no one ever asks whether she feels ready.
Stephanie, on the other hand, is 35, has a stable career, and lives in her own apartment. Despite that, her father still weighs in on nearly every major decision in her life: who she dates, her career moves, even where she should live. The same line comes up every time: « I know what’s best for you. » So her personal success changes nothing about the way he continues to treat her.
Two women, two different worlds, the office, the family. Yet one single pattern runs through both: paternalism.
An authority that hides in plain sight
Paternalism isn’t just excessive caution. It’s a way of making decisions for someone else while dressing it up as love or wisdom. In fact, the word comes from the Latin pater (father) and originally described treating a grown adult as a child who still needs guidance. In practice, someone acting paternalistically never asks for permission, they decide first, then justify it after.
The telltale signs of paternalism
Paternalism almost never looks like an attack. On the contrary, it wears the mask of care and good intentions. Here’s how it actually shows up:
- It infantilizes people and disregards their freedom. For instance, a grown woman keeps getting « protected » from her own choices, as if she were never quite capable of handling them on her own.
- It creates a bond of submission disguised as kindness. In other words, the more someone « takes care » of you on your behalf, the more dependent you become on their approval to move forward.
- It hands all the power to one person who decides for everyone else. As a result, the balance breaks down for good: on one side, the one who supposedly « knows better »; on the other, the one who no longer has a real say.
Because of this, the person on the receiving end often starts doubting herself, even in areas where she’s genuinely skilled.
(A word you may not know, yet one that silently shapes the everyday lives of countless women: discover TOKOPHOBIA.)
An old habit, older than we think
As with Ndeye and Stephanie, this behavior doesn’t come from nowhere:
- Inherited family patterns : in many households, love has long meant deciding for someone else « for their own good. » Consequently, that same reflex resurfaces later, at work and in relationships alike.
- Outdated assumptions about women : historically seen as too fragile or too emotional to choose for themselves. As a result, it was long considered « normal » to choose on their behalf.
- A genuine fear that the other person will fail : the paternalistic person often truly believes they’re helping. Nevertheless, that good intention ends up smothering the very autonomy of the person they claim to support.
Taking back control, one choice at a time
Fortunately, this pattern isn’t set in stone, it can be undone, on both sides.
- Name it clearly. Saying « I get to decide this on my own » immediately resets the balance of power. Indeed, silence is often exactly what lets the imbalance take hold.
- Reclaim your choices one at a time : financial, professional, personal, rather than trying to change everything at once. This way, self-trust rebuilds gradually.
- Talk about it openly : with a friend, a therapist, or a community of women. Doing so genuinely helps tell real care apart from power dressed up as kindness.
In the end, paternalism has nothing to do with real love or respect. It’s a quiet theft of freedom, wrapped in good intentions. Recognizing it is already the first step toward breaking free.